Post #1: Introduction and Sex Muffins

Pictured above: Muffins

Hello all: as you've probably read in the "About Me" tab, I am Talcritic. "Talcritic" is supposed to be a portmanteau of the words "talc" and "critic," which is supposed to be a sort of oxymoron because talc is soft but critics are strict assholes.

This blog was conceived in the early hours of the morning when I was tired and aimless, so I do apologize in advance for any eccentric content you might see here. But you're at a blog called "Too Much Madness and Too Little Time," so what the hell did you expect?

Anyway, considering this is the first post and all, I've decided to make it memorable. Namely, let's talk about sex muffins.

Sex muffins? you might ask. What in the world are sex muffins? Great question. If this term ever becomes famous, I claim credit for coining the term.

Definition of sex muffin: noun. the deliciously splendid muffin that your mother makes you after she has intercourse with your father the night before.

You might be thinking, What the fuck. You are indeed correct in thinking that. A sex muffin is gross and sinful to think about. But the thing is, it tastes great. It's as if your mother concentrated all of her...uh pleasures from the night before into the tasteful artistry of muffin-making. It's like the muffin has a mini orgasm inside it. A sex muffin is, in essence, the Horcrux of sexual pleasure.

Okay, but still, it's pretty gross if you think about. That's okay. Just replace "mother" with your partner, or some hot celebrity that you fantasize over.

In fact, I'm pretty sure you can use the taste of sex muffins to elucidate the sexiness of intercourse the night before. Let's say someone hot and famous made you muffins. Maybe Gisele and Tom both made you muffins because it's your special day. You take one bite of the muffin and find yourself instantly overcome with pleasure from the delicious-ness of the muffin. That would indicate that you are indeed having a sex muffin of the sexiest kind. Now, plug in Grandma and Grandpa in for Gisele and Tom, and use that as a reference.

However, let's say that the muffin tastes like shit. Maybe it was Donald and Melania this time. When you bite into your muffin, it tastes like bland trash. Well, that would indicate that the intercourse the previous night was also like bland trash.

This might actually be useful in some cases, now that I think of it. Say that your partner is cheating on you, and you know that they did the deed last night. Ask your partner to make you some muffins. If the muffin tastes sexy and delicious, then you know that this is a sex muffin. However, if the muffin tastes like crap, then you know that they didn't enjoy it last night, and you can smirk and have your silent victory. Of course, you'd want the muffins to taste good after you do the deed. (Disclaimer: I claim no responsibility for any relationship failures or breakups which may have come from this blog post. And anyway, who the hell breaks up over a sex muffin?)

Well, that was my spiel on sex muffins. Do what you want with this knowledge. Go make some muffins or something.

And don't blame me if you can't bring yourself to ever eat your mother's muffins again.