Post #3: National Milk Chocolate Day and MLK Jr.'s Spiritual Revenge
It was July 28th yesterday--happy late milk chocolate day! It's a rather special day, of course, because who doesn't like milk chocolate? I'd like to celebrate this very special day by sharing one of my treasured conspiracy theories concerning milk chocolate...more specifically, milk chocolate milk.
You know what I'm talking about--those small cardboard cartons of milk that Costco sells for really cheap in bulk with like 30 gazillion cartons per box:
This milk has an expiration date of more than a year after it's bought. It doesn't have to be refrigerated until it is opened, for an ENTIRE YEAR, which made me wonder: what magic is inside these little cardboard boxes that allows it to do that? It has been a prolonged mystery for me and I have spent some time researching how this milk can stay unexpired even as the human species goes to extinction. Oh, sure, there are articles here and there mentioning how the cardboard boxes are chemically treated, but that's all just fluff and bull.
I think that the real reason that the Hershey's chocolate milk can stay so fresh for so long is because it contains the spirit of Martin Luther King, Jr., almost as if these cartons are Horcruxes of MLK Jr.'s soul divided up into about 30 gazillion cartons of milk chocolate milk.
I know this may sound absurd and offensive and possibly racist, but hear me out. MLK Jr.'s spirit lives on perpetually; this chocolate milk lives on perpetually, relative to the other "organic" types of milk. MLK Jr. gave African Americans a taste of freedom; this chocolate milk basically gives the taste of freedom because it tastes so yummy. MLK Jr. probably got a grade of an A in some class in school; this chocolate milk received a Grade A in sanitary conditions. There are just too many parallels for this to be mere coincidence; MLK Jr.'s spirit resides in Hershey's milk chocolate milk.
But what does this have to do with his "spiritual revenge," as it says in the title? That's an excellent question. MLK Jr.'s spirit still teems with anger at the racism and discrimination still prevalent in today's society. That's why you see the chocolate milk bubble sometimes, because MLK Jr. is so angry and his anger makes the milk bubble. MLK Jr.'s spirit, in the form of milk chocoalte milk, enters the bodies of white supremacists and starts eating them from the inside out. Ever heard of milk chocolate milk poisoning? Me neither, but if it were a thing, then MLK Jr. would probably be responsible.
So the next time that you drink Hershey's milk chocolate milk, stop and think to yourself: Have I been a white supremacist or a misogynist or a horrible person of any kind? Because if you answer yes, then be wary. Be wary of MLK Jr.'s posthumous revenge through the vengeful chocolate milk.
You know what I'm talking about--those small cardboard cartons of milk that Costco sells for really cheap in bulk with like 30 gazillion cartons per box:
Shown above: Hershey's chocolate milk, 2% reduced fat, rbST Free, 8 fl. oz. carton
This milk has an expiration date of more than a year after it's bought. It doesn't have to be refrigerated until it is opened, for an ENTIRE YEAR, which made me wonder: what magic is inside these little cardboard boxes that allows it to do that? It has been a prolonged mystery for me and I have spent some time researching how this milk can stay unexpired even as the human species goes to extinction. Oh, sure, there are articles here and there mentioning how the cardboard boxes are chemically treated, but that's all just fluff and bull.
I think that the real reason that the Hershey's chocolate milk can stay so fresh for so long is because it contains the spirit of Martin Luther King, Jr., almost as if these cartons are Horcruxes of MLK Jr.'s soul divided up into about 30 gazillion cartons of milk chocolate milk.
I know this may sound absurd and offensive and possibly racist, but hear me out. MLK Jr.'s spirit lives on perpetually; this chocolate milk lives on perpetually, relative to the other "organic" types of milk. MLK Jr. gave African Americans a taste of freedom; this chocolate milk basically gives the taste of freedom because it tastes so yummy. MLK Jr. probably got a grade of an A in some class in school; this chocolate milk received a Grade A in sanitary conditions. There are just too many parallels for this to be mere coincidence; MLK Jr.'s spirit resides in Hershey's milk chocolate milk.
But what does this have to do with his "spiritual revenge," as it says in the title? That's an excellent question. MLK Jr.'s spirit still teems with anger at the racism and discrimination still prevalent in today's society. That's why you see the chocolate milk bubble sometimes, because MLK Jr. is so angry and his anger makes the milk bubble. MLK Jr.'s spirit, in the form of milk chocoalte milk, enters the bodies of white supremacists and starts eating them from the inside out. Ever heard of milk chocolate milk poisoning? Me neither, but if it were a thing, then MLK Jr. would probably be responsible.
So the next time that you drink Hershey's milk chocolate milk, stop and think to yourself: Have I been a white supremacist or a misogynist or a horrible person of any kind? Because if you answer yes, then be wary. Be wary of MLK Jr.'s posthumous revenge through the vengeful chocolate milk.
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