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Post #5: Dog Heaven and Squirrel Hell

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So there's this image on reddit: And this actually makes perfect sense. Dog heaven would be squirrel hell. And since there isn't a an official canon story on where animal souls go after they die, this got me thinking about the faunal afterlife. Where do animals go after they die? Here's what I think: 1. Dog heaven = squirrel hell = middle class white suburban homeowner heaven = cat people hell 2. Cat heaven = mouse hell = bird hell = dog people hell 3. Coyote heaven = dog hell = illegal Mexican immigrants purgatory 4. Koala heaven = koala hell 5. Fish heaven = landlubber hell = drowned victims hell In fact, once we bring plants into this, because plants obviously have feelings, we get an even more complicated web: 1. Plant hell = vegan heaven = carnivore hell 2. Plant heaven = vegan hell = carnivore heaven (the carnivores will eat all of the herbivores in plant heaven, so both the carnivores and herbivores will be happy) In conclusion: we should all eat mo
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Post #4: The Double Standard of Koalas

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Shown above: cute, adorkable koala clinging to a tree Koalas are cute, right? They're fuzzy little adorkable creatures--just look at that adorkable face in the picture above! Plus, they're Australian, and anything Australian is exotic and cool. But people love  the adorkable side of koalas and hate  the other side of koalas--the unseen, darker side. For instance, koalas sleep over 20 hours a day. That's because they eat eucalyptus leaves, which provides them with basically no energy; these leaves may also be toxic to their systems, and they need that much sleep to recuperate. Koalas also may eat their own shit. They're like cuter versions of sloths. And people hate that. They only want to see the fuzzy, cute side of koalas. "Stop eating your own shit and be adorkable!" the tourists might say. In essence, koalas are part of an implicit circus, harassed by the ringmasters known as tourists. This double standard of koalas deserves to be heard. Koalas d
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Post #3: National Milk Chocolate Day and MLK Jr.'s Spiritual Revenge

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It was July 28th yesterday--happy late milk chocolate day! It's a rather special day, of course, because who doesn't like milk chocolate? I'd like to celebrate this very special day by sharing one of my treasured conspiracy theories concerning milk chocolate...more specifically, milk chocolate milk. You know what I'm talking about--those small cardboard cartons of milk that Costco sells for really cheap in bulk with like 30 gazillion cartons per box: Shown above: Hershey's chocolate milk, 2% reduced fat, rbST Free, 8 fl. oz. carton This milk has an expiration date of more than a year after it's bought. It doesn't have to be refrigerated until it is opened, for an ENTIRE YEAR, which made me wonder: what magic is inside these little cardboard boxes that allows it to do that? It has been a prolonged mystery for me and I have spent some time researching how this milk can stay unexpired even as the human species goes to extinction. Oh, sure, there are ar
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Post #2: Things I hate, Numero Uno

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Shown above: angry business man in suit raising hand in annoyance A lot of things annoy me. For starters, here's a list of people who annoy me: People who have the toilet paper facing away from the wall People who support genocide Petty people Sadists Conceited people who are too dumb to hide their conceit Sadists who act like they're not sadists Attention-whore masochists Those people who belong in Slytherin because they're complete snakes Self-indulged people who make lists on things that annoy them Hypocrites People who think self-deprecation by going meta will save them from haters
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Post #1: Introduction and Sex Muffins

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Pictured above: Muffins Hello all: as you've probably read in the "About Me" tab, I am Talcritic. "Talcritic" is supposed to be a portmanteau of the words "talc" and "critic," which is supposed to be a sort of oxymoron because talc is soft but critics are strict assholes. This blog was conceived in the early hours of the morning when I was tired and aimless, so I do apologize in advance for any eccentric content you might see here. But you're at a blog called "Too Much Madness and Too Little Time," so what the hell did you expect? Anyway, considering this is the first post and all, I've decided to make it memorable. Namely, let's talk about sex muffins. Sex muffins? you might ask. What in the world are sex muffins?  Great question. If this term ever becomes famous, I claim credit for coining the term. Definition of sex muffin: noun.  the deliciously splendid muffin that your mother makes you after she has i
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